.Beautiful Disaster.

Carrie Underwood sounded so off tune tonight...Poor girl. She was a bundle of nerves. But i still like her, for her simplicity, vulnerablity and naturalness. With her, what you see is what you get.

I always think with me, wat you see is hardly wat u get. I once had a friend who told me i clammed myself up too much(especially so in jc dayz). That i was a great ball of fun to be with, quirky n crazy, but i hardly gave the impression that i was. She wasn't wholly correct on that one. I am, pretty much, to some extent, a loner. I enjoy my private moments, i like contemplating on things, like doing things alone because then i could be totally at ease with myself.

When i was in primary school i realised i was a very image-conscious kid. For many years i struggled to perfect my chinese accent because without fail, chinese teachers liked to pick on me to read paragraphs in class. I didn't know whether their intentions were to test me( because i didn't look chinese even though i'm of half chinese descent), to humiliate me or purely to see where my oral standards were. For 2 years i hesitated to read aloud in class because i knew i would embaress myself, and adamently refused to do so, much to my teacher's indignation. They punished me by forcing me to stand for a whole class session, but to me humiliation was a worser fate. Of course i spoke up during oral exams, and thats when my teachers actually realised i could read chinese. But that was the oddball i was, and extremely stubborn.

It took those years before i finally plucked the guts to recite a paragraph in class, and when i did everyone paid attention. It was super pressurizing. But i pulled it off in the end.:) When i finished the whole class clapped, and one of my best frens actually commented afterwards that i could read better than her, which was very flattering. But the thing was, it took me a while to convince myself i was actually good enough, and people's impressions mattered a lot to me. I was terribly image-conscious.

That is why you'd never see me joining pageants or singing on-stage solo. :P

And then there was the problem of being kinda anti-social.

There are people i know who cannot stand being seen alone. They crave social attention, cannot live without companionship, and appear insecure being by themselves. Social status to them defines their individual worth.

Of course i'd be lying if i said i don't like being popular, or being extremely socially active. But such things are not extremely important to me. I guess i love myself more than i love other people. I always made sure i had my fair share, was never at the losing end. If i ever took care of anyone, they were the people that mattered the most or whom i was fiercely loyal to.

I like to think of myself as an extrovert and introvert rolled into one. It all depends on the occasion, situation and company.

Like i once said, i can't be the sociable party animal, confident lass all the time. I might come off as selfish, an attitude or moody person, but most times its just me having some space to think things thru for myself.

So if you ever catch me in a quiet serious crabby moment, i hope i dun't rub you the wrong way. :)

Its just me wondering off into my own world in space.